To stay or not to stay

Hello awesome readers,

As you all know (or not).. I am a really depressed person, I have been this way for almost two years and it's crazy how I haven't gotten out of the depression haul phase.. It started when I went off to University, things started to change really fast and way out of my control. Right to this day, I still do not know why everything just fell apart like a domino since November 2011. The choices I made, the disappointments, I feel like I have let myself down big time. I am seeing all my friends move on with their lives, most of them look really happy with what they are doing. Some are working students, some are working students + socialites, while some are just there.. and I am sitting here behind this laptop thinking.. oh God, how about me? I am just here waiting for the next day to wake up and sleep, when will I ever find out what I want to do for the rest of my life?

I have recently talked to my friends here in North America, we caught up and I found out that they are going to the Philippines to study and there's a great possibility that some of them will stay there to work. Before I found out about their plans, I have been thinking about it myself too. Ever since last year, my mom had already given me the signal that I can go home and study there.. Gaaaaah, I would love to! But I really cannot leave my mother here. Besides, I am not even sure if I will be happy after I make this decision. I do not even know if what I am thinking is the right thing to do. This is the biggest decision I will ever make and I do not think I can ever afford to make one more big mistake in my life. I have lost myself along the way, and my wants have slipped away from me and I just want to get back on the right track. The problem is, I do not know how. I have no clue where to start. I need me, but where can I find me?

Should I stay or should I go?
Should I go back to where my heart belongs?
What am I missing out on?


I honestly hope I figure it out soon.
I am so tired and I just want to do something with my life.
Hoping for the best. 

ExcessandOhs,
SSJ

My support system is also the one who crashes my hopes in an instant

How is it that sometimes I feel like you don't want to support me in something I want to do. As if I have to do something you want me to do for your approval and for you to be proud of me.. You're my support system but how come when I really need you to support me on something, it's like you get disappointed or you disapprove of it. You're my mom, I want you to encourage me, support me in everything I do and want to do, but it feels like I'm a failure in your point of view. I'm so proud to have you as my mother, but sometimes I hurt whenever I feel like you're disgusted by me and sometimes even though I know how much you love me, how much you've done for me to keep me safe, alive and loved, I really feel like you are jealous of other parents that they have brighter children, more successful daughters or sons than me.


I just want to break down because you're my support system, my inspiration, my hero.. but the pressure is always on, and sometimes, it all feels suffocating.

I still love you mother, I always recognize what you did for me in the past, in the present and for all the things you will still do for me and will still go through for me in the future. But keep calm, let me be and just be happy that I'm not a drug addict, a prostitute or pregnant. I can't wait for the words "I'm proud of you, anak (child)" to come out of your mouth. Maybe someday, I hope so.


Love always,
SSJ