Ever had those days when you just do not know what to feel, what to think and what to do? I feel like Rapunzel, trapped and isolated. But unlike her, I am not trapped because I live in a high castle, I am trapped because I have so many thoughts running through my head. It bothers me. My negative thoughts weigh heavier than the positive ones. I am not free because my problems ambush me, it often leads to damage and the feeling of pain is not foreign to me. I feel so abused mentally because I am an emotional person, and to have all these bizarre, depressing and stressing thoughts, it is too much for me to handle. I hurt, every single day. I said I wanted to be positive, I am, but the bad energy at home has reached it's maximum. Whenever someone is stressed, it affects others like a domino. I feel so isolated because no one will ever get me. I feel so detached, and deserted from everything else because my baggage influences me to separate myself from people. Even my parents do not acknowledge the fact that I am depressed too. I am not sure if it is because I am younger and seem happy, or because they think I am carefree as fuck? But who am I to complain compared to everything they are going through? When will this end? I love my parents, and every time they go through something, mentally and emotionally, I go through it too. When they are hurt, I hurt too. I am very empathetic. It is a never ending battle. What did I say about having a break with all these problems? Dear heavenly father, I think I have had enough. I am trying to so hard to be positive, and just when I thought I am managing, it all comes crumbling down again.
To say I am fine is a load of bullshit.
To say I will be seems hopeless and pretentious.
To describe that everything right now is bad is an understatement.
So how am I really because at this point, I really have no idea anymore.
Okay, if you go on this blog often you would know how much I love my family, especially my mother. Also, if you know me personally, you get an idea of how much I'd go through just for her. If you know me personally and we have a close relationship, you would know that she is always there for me and how much I am itching to give her the life she should have had because of all the sacrifices she made for me. Today, okay not today since it is almost 1 in the morning, but I meant, yesterday, 29th of April, I finally spilled something to my mother. It felt like the right time. I don't know, I feel like a child whenever I am around her, maybe because I will always be her little girl. I just always have this urge to hug her.. so a few hours ago, when she was about to sleep, I was laying down beside her and I just tried to cuddle her. Not with her because she gets annoyed of me, she thinks I am quite old to be doing that.. and when she said "Stop!", it just happened, I just happened to tell her, straight from my mouth, "let me, I will miss all this when you're gone." I know she felt it when I said it because it took her a while to joke about what I said, and her response was "Oh so I'm going to die soon, huh?". But after that, there were no words in the room but I was still wrapped around her. That moment, she just let me enjoy every moment of it. Which was why I knew my heart breaking honesty struck her somehow. I let go soon enough because I was hurting. It hurts me, it feels like my chest is constantly being stabbed numerous times whenever I think about the end.. I just.. it.. I don't want to live a day without her. I can already imagine myself not functioning when it's time.
But right now, I just hope I get at least 30 more decades with her. More time with her. I hope time lets me graduate, work full-time and still have her there by my side supporting me. I hope time gives me more years with her just so that she can meet my future husband if I will ever get married, because I want her to be there.. I want her to witness it. I want her permission. I want her blessings. I hope the will time allow me to show my wonderful mother; the most beautiful, brave and caring person in the world, to my children. I want my mother to be there to guide me in raising my children and have her tell them stories about our family. I hope time provides me more future with my mother just so that I can make my dreams happen, and that is to show her that all my life, my only goal is to have her feel loved, appreciated and relaxed. Have her stay at home and just pamper her. I want to make her experience everything she missed out on because of me.
I hope time grants me everything, all the time that I need so that I can do everything I have planned for my mother all these years. Just give me more time, and I will do the rest.
It's two in the morning and I have never felt so lonely in my life. What makes it worse is that I am alone and lonely.. Weeping, grieving, crying, over-thinking, breaking.. this happens on a daily basis. I always wonder why I was destined to live here.. come to think that life would be easier and better here, I still yearn for my life back home. It's difficult. It's been difficult. I have been struggling. I have been trying to accept that things change, nothing ever stays the same but I just don't want to... Deep inside my heart I know something is missing, something really important, something huge and this leaves an enormous hole in my heart. Having to think about the incredible past, the isolated present and the unclear future leaves me broken. I have been patiently waiting for the wonderful and positive things, but I have been waiting for years and years... Right now I can't see the good. I can't imagine something great without having to look at the bad, of course because I'm pessimistic, what did I except right? I am so blinded by the pain. The insufficient has left me destroyed and damaged.. and I'm afraid that the scars will stay.. forever.
I just want to be happy.
I just want my life back.
How is it that sometimes I feel like you don't want to support me in something I want to do. As if I have to do something you want me to do for your approval and for you to be proud of me.. You're my support system but how come when I really need you to support me on something, it's like you get disappointed or you disapprove of it. You're my mom, I want you to encourage me, support me in everything I do and want to do, but it feels like I'm a failure in your point of view. I'm so proud to have you as my mother, but sometimes I hurt whenever I feel like you're disgusted by me and sometimes even though I know how much you love me, how much you've done for me to keep me safe, alive and loved, I really feel like you are jealous of other parents that they have brighter children, more successful daughters or sons than me.
I just want to break down because you're my support system, my inspiration, my hero.. but the pressure is always on, and sometimes, it all feels suffocating.
I still love you mother, I always recognize what you did for me in the past, in the present and for all the things you will still do for me and will still go through for me in the future. But keep calm, let me be and just be happy that I'm not a drug addict, a prostitute or pregnant. I can't wait for the words "I'm proud of you, anak (child)" to come out of your mouth. Maybe someday, I hope so.
Love always,
SSJ
