Good For Nothing

I know I made a post just twenty-four hours ago that I will maintain a positive stream on my blog.. but not today. Not when I see someone so important to me break down hysterically. It is very depressing because I feel useless. I am not making this about me but that person is so important to me and I am so concerned. I could not do anything but cry with that person. When is this going to end? Dear Lord, saving grace, whoever you are, please, give us a break from all the stress. This is too much and still it keeps piling up. We are so down and we are placed in a position where we could no longer handle it. We are doing all that we can, we are trying, we have gone beyond our means, we need a breather, please.


She needs some saving. I need it too. We both do.
In need of being rescued. All heroes please apply.

Alive but barely living

This is crazy. Ever since I let myself down last year, I just gained weight, lost my social life outside my house and been sleeping more than usual. It's the same routine over and over again... (I tried to tell you my routine but something tells me not to so I deleted it) I am so tired.. I am alive but I am barely living the life I was lucky enough to be given.

Thank you to my parents though because whenever they are around, they unknowingly help me forget about my existent and non-existent problems.

Someone enliven me. Please.

Incomplete and broken

It's two in the morning and I have never felt so lonely in my life. What makes it worse is that I am alone and lonely.. Weeping, grieving, crying, over-thinking, breaking.. this happens on a daily basis. I always wonder why I was destined to live here.. come to think that life would be easier and better here, I still yearn for my life back home. It's difficult. It's been difficult. I have been struggling. I have been trying to accept that things change, nothing ever stays the same but I just don't want to... Deep inside my heart I know something is missing, something really important, something huge and this leaves an enormous hole in my heart. Having to think about the incredible past, the isolated present and the unclear future leaves me broken. I have been patiently waiting for the wonderful and positive things, but I have been waiting for years and years... Right now I can't see the good. I can't imagine something great without having to look at the bad, of course because I'm pessimistic, what did I except right? I am so blinded by the pain. The insufficient has left me destroyed and damaged.. and I'm afraid that the scars will stay.. forever.

I just want to be happy.
I just want my life back.

To stay or not to stay

Hello awesome readers,

As you all know (or not).. I am a really depressed person, I have been this way for almost two years and it's crazy how I haven't gotten out of the depression haul phase.. It started when I went off to University, things started to change really fast and way out of my control. Right to this day, I still do not know why everything just fell apart like a domino since November 2011. The choices I made, the disappointments, I feel like I have let myself down big time. I am seeing all my friends move on with their lives, most of them look really happy with what they are doing. Some are working students, some are working students + socialites, while some are just there.. and I am sitting here behind this laptop thinking.. oh God, how about me? I am just here waiting for the next day to wake up and sleep, when will I ever find out what I want to do for the rest of my life?

I have recently talked to my friends here in North America, we caught up and I found out that they are going to the Philippines to study and there's a great possibility that some of them will stay there to work. Before I found out about their plans, I have been thinking about it myself too. Ever since last year, my mom had already given me the signal that I can go home and study there.. Gaaaaah, I would love to! But I really cannot leave my mother here. Besides, I am not even sure if I will be happy after I make this decision. I do not even know if what I am thinking is the right thing to do. This is the biggest decision I will ever make and I do not think I can ever afford to make one more big mistake in my life. I have lost myself along the way, and my wants have slipped away from me and I just want to get back on the right track. The problem is, I do not know how. I have no clue where to start. I need me, but where can I find me?

Should I stay or should I go?
Should I go back to where my heart belongs?
What am I missing out on?


I honestly hope I figure it out soon.
I am so tired and I just want to do something with my life.
Hoping for the best. 

ExcessandOhs,
SSJ