Unbearable Pain

I deal with this yearly, but yesterday morning was the worst experience I ever had with that familiar pain. I know everyday certain people deal with more severe pains, injuries, sickness, etc., but you cannot punish me for writing this post. I was really hurting.

I woke up yesterday morning with the most extreme pain in my right eye. I could not open my right eye. It was that painful. It felt like a piece of eyelash, or a prick of wood was inside and was poking my cornea. And yes, it happens yearly.. but what sucks is the fact that the burning feels worse each year. I woke up and I quickly went to the washroom to see if any discharge was about to come out.. thank God there was none but still I could barely open my eyes. As soon as I got out of the washroom, she came home. I told her right away, and she just passed by me, as if I was only joking. But I just could not blame her, I knew she was tired from work.. I knew she had a bad day again. I felt so helpless so I went back to my room and a lot of things were flashing in my head.. envisioning things I should not be thinking of. I would not go in to details but let's just say I was really exaggerating. My eye was burning and my eye kept producing tears.. I started crying like a baby, and it caught his attention.. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him what happened.. He immediately said, "let's go the doctor's!". Thank you.. I needed that.. It gave me hope that my eye was going to get better.

The ride to the doctor's was both soothing and discomforting.. but I was getting better in tolerating the pain.. not entirely but just so-so.

My family doctor refused to touch me when she attempted to put a dye on my eye.. because when she tried, I screamed and cried all over again. She suggested me to go to the Emergency Department promptly.. and so we did.. The thought of going to the Emergency Department based on people's stories was frightening and also, disappointing.. Scary because I have never been to an Emergency room and I know there are a lot of patients every day, and I do not like seeing people in pain.. Explains why I did not choose to become a Nurse in the first place. Unhappy and displeased because I know I have to wait for at least an hour to get some help, and that means more torment for me.. and I am impatient so, wohoo. Take note, sometimes it takes more than two hours to have someone attend you depending on the amount of people at the Emerge. Rm.

At that point.. I had both my eyes closed. I just could not open my left eye because the light makes me squint my already closed right eye and it pressures my eye even more. I also wanted to just relax, because if I keep my eyes open.. they would just wander around, and that causes more pain in my right eye.

When we got there, I was asked several questions by an assistant. He also asked me how painful it was from the scale of 1 to 10.. oh gosh, I said 9.5 to 10. I mean it really was extreme.

She told me I was lucky because usually, it would take longer than 30 minutes to get called and be attended before you go straight to the Emergency Room. What I could hear from the patients, the horror in their scream and cry; I was so disturbed and I felt so bad. At that time, I was thinking about the spiritual power and I was thinking about everyone in that hospital with me.. and I was wishing for the best, for everyone. That was when I thought, maybe prayers are louder in the hospitals than inside the churches. I was hoping that maybe He was listening. I feared for everyone, and that put me to tears, and my eye started hurting again.. mind you my eyes were closed for the whole time I was waiting. What I was going through was unbearable, and I would not wish it on anyone, even upon my worst enemy.. During that time, I just wanted everyone to be cured, to be relieved from the pain they were feeling.. for all of them to feel better.

From that time I entered the Emergency Room I believe it took about an hour, an hour and thirty minutes if you also count the time I waited for the doctor to come in the Eye Room. The doctor told me I must have scratched my eye when I was asleep but I told him, "Are you telling me, I scratch my eye yearly?" He did not really answer after that, and told me that I needed to see some specialist.. but I'm so thankful because whatever anesthetics he used for my eye definitely cured the pain.. he also wiped eyeball with some dye on a smooth stick.. and that sting for a bit.. but it was ordinary compared to what I was originally feeling.

Thinking I was finished, (well no results yet since I still have to go to the specialist he recommended) I was asked by the doctor to stay and that he would be back. I waited again for at least fifteen minutes and a Registered Nurse came with some huge tube that looked like a humongous injection and a jug of some liquid.. or solution. "I'm going to wash your eye, but first, I gotta get this tube in your eye", umm... sorry what now???! The hairs at the back of my neck stand up.. I freaked out. I do not even use contact lens.. and you're going to shove a tube in my eye? Well not shove but you know what I mean! Oh man, he struggled to put that thing in because my eye won't relax. I had to hold her hand.. I needed something to press. Then it just happened, I felt the cold liquid on my eye.. I do not know how it looked.. I do not even want to imagine it.. and viola, it was done. I followed the instruction and had the medication..

I felt better.. even though I could still feel the damn tube.. the sensation of it lingered for hours, even after I woke up from my long nap (when I slept after I reached home)! My eye was still red, and smaller than my left eye.. but it was better than the pain it caused in the first place. Now I just have to finish the medicine even with the pain gone and then I will be done.. hopefully forever. I don't know, I still have to see the specialist.

But I am hoping that after this experience, I will no longer have to go through it again.

Weeping Over My Michael Kors

Hello my dear readers! It has been a really really long time since I last blogged on this website. I now have a different blog (and it is updated) on Tumblr, so please check it out:

click here or copy and paste this linkhttp://apunchofthought.tumblr.com 

So before you accuse me of hopping the Michael Kors bandwaggon, let me tell you that I have been a fan of Michael Kors for the last seven years. When I first came to Canada, it was one of the most luxurious underrated brand that I knew. Whenever I went to the mall, it was one of the stores that I would go to. I am not spoiled, and there is no way in hell that I am materialistic. I am not even a fan of Louis Vuitton, Hermes and Coach. My main brands have always been Guess, Michael Kors, YSL, Balenciaga, Celine, Versace, Alexander McQueen, Givenchy and Valentino... and maybe some Gucci (not their bags though) and Marc Jacobs here and there..  Yeah I guess I am a brand whore. I just love perfumes, handbags and shoes and I told myself that one day, I will collect as much as I can, as long as I have the means to do so.

Anyway, I was at the mall last week and as I entered the Michael Kors' store,  I saw this red Michael Kors bag from the side and I knew it was something familiar.. I recognized the handbag, it was the bag that I've been eyeing for possibly more than a year.. before I graduated High School.. so wait.. that's more than two years.

We all know, well, mostly Canadians know, that this bag would cost Canadian residents $500 with taxes and all. That was the price of this bag when it just came out.. before Selma, Miranda, Weston, Bedford and Jet Set Totes (other MK leather goods) were released. So yes, it is safe to say that I have been loving this bag before Michael Kors became so popular in my city. Oh trust me, the amount of girls wearing the logo print bags are crazy. You can call me selfish but I was pissed when MK got mainstream here because whenever I walk around with my Michael Kors purse, people would look at me as if I hopped the bandwagon just recently.

Anyhow, this bag was available in the store I was at. Although I always go to Michael Kors, and weekly I've been going back to that store and last week was the only time I saw it again. I could vividly remember that the last time I saw and held this bag was last October. I know the Hamilton bags are still all over the stores, but this specific color with it's golden hardware was sold out.. at least that was what I was told. If it was not obvious enough, this was my color of choice. I was ready to buy this bag last year but I needed the money that I was going to spend, on others things that were more necessary.. But my eyes and heart were set in this color or the mustard Hamilton Large Satchel one.. whichever one really. Although I really loved the Red one, besides it's my favorite color.

I looked around everywhere and I no longer saw it again which made me believe that I would never ever see it again. Well that's what I thought until I saw the Red Orange one last week. It was on sale for only $349!! I wanted to jump for joy! It was a bittersweet feeling because I was happy that it was on sale but I was broken when I realized I have been unemployed for months. I knew I will never be able to afford this bag. That even if I landed a job the next day, this gorgeous bag might be in the hands of someone else by the time I can afford it.. I don't know how many stocks they had, or if it was the last one.. But I also realized that day that most of their Hamilton bags have decreased in price. Maybe it was due to the fact that they are trying to sell more Saffiano leather goods now like the Jet Set totes for $230, Selma for $380, etc. It took a lot of strength, effort and force for me to drop the bag where I found it, and leave the store. :(

You know what's funny? I told my mother the week before I saw this bag that if she were thinking about giving me another birthday present this year, I would ask for the Selma Studded Saffiano Tote of Michael Kors. She laughed because she knew I love handbags and that I have been eyeing the Selma bag also.

Isn't it gorgeous too? What do guys think? Should I weep because I was not able to afford the Hamilton bag? Or be happy because this Selma bag is better? My mother said I should not be sad because if we're going to compare the Hamilton Saffiano Large Tote and This Selma Studded Saffiano Tote, this Selma actually is nicer. What do you guys think? 

Either way, I loved the Hamilton bag first, and I cried when I left the store (yes I am such a baby!).. and until now I am still sad that Hamilton bag is not in my possession. First world problems! Sigh!

Emotional State

High spirits, low spirits, happiness, sadness, irritated, collected.... I have no fucking control over my feelings. Sometimes, I feel like I'm the queen of mood swings. I have no clue what happened, I had no idea that what and who I used to be was slipping away from me.. I just became so lazy and that I am just so annoyed and irked.. What makes it worse is that I do not have the means to live a little.. to go out and do what I want.. I want to go shopping and buy all the necessary things that I need... and some of the things that I don't. Can I land an employment already? I am so fed up of being broke. I want to chop my hair off.. I want to beat myself up literally right now... It is so damn hot.. I am so annoyed of this place we call "home",  it does not even feel like one. I miss everything I used to have, I miss everyone in the Philippines.. I miss everything in the past before I came here.... I would trade what I have now to what I used to have... no, actually scratch that.. because I still have the important people in my past right now.. I just basically do not have the "life" anymore.. How can this place make me feel such a prisoner.. the only thing that is keeping me guarded is my mother.. She is the only reason why I am still here.

I feel so useless, unworthy, my life is so unproductive, I feel like I am going nowhere.. I feel nonfunctional. Hopeless, good-for-nothing, valueless...

Ugh

Just when I thought everything was getting better.. I come to this day to find out that, those were just temporary.. School starts in less than a month and I hope to God things get better because I would not know what to do. Please please, let me have my way this time................ I am so tired of this shit.

I have a feeling.. that tonight's gonna be a good night.

Today is the day.. the day that I have waited patiently for.
Or should I say... tonight is going to be the night! Yes! I am talking about the concert.

I have no words. I am so amped, stoked, excited, basically my heart is filled with all sorts of excitement and happiness because for the first time in the history, I am going to see two powerhouse performers in one night. Yes, Justin Timberlake and Jay Z.

I will try and update you guys tomorrow about the concert.. for sure tonight will be one of the most memorable nights in my life.

Legends of the Summer Tour

I cannot believe it. It is finally happening! I am going to see Justin Timberlake and Jay Z tomorrow at Rogers Centre. Remember my rant about not being able to attend his concert here? Well guess what! I thought wrong because the angels granted my wish. I will be seeing Jay Z and Justin Timberlake with a special friend! Wow! I cannot believe that he paid that much and he is taking me with him!

I am beyond excited, I even went on YouTube to see his performance with Jay Z at the Wireless Festival in London. Watching it just made me more thrilled..... and I have developed this enthusiasm to see Jay Z as well.. He just kills it every time he performs.. The crowd was not very energetic as I had hoped.. and I hope the crowd at the stadium tomorrow will be ten times better.

Unfortunately, my DSLR is not permitted at the event so I have to deal with my shit and pixelated phone but I guess I do not have to even worry about that anymore since it is out of my control, and what matters is that I am seeing them tomorrow... and I will enjoy every second of it. This concert is going to be the best concert yet..... I mean there is Beyonce touring around the globe.. but of course Jay Z and Justin Timberlake would not be caught last for I know they are two of the most incredible performers in the world.




LALALALALA.... 20/20 Experience and Magna Carta Holy Grail!!! HERE I COME. THIS CONCERT IS GOING TO BE AN EARGASMIC EXPERIENCE!!!!

I Live For Your Amusement

Before I begin to express my frustration, anger and disappointment, I want to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you who have been so kind to check up on me and to those of you who read my blog and visit occasionally. The reason why I decided to keep the comments on pre-approved basis is because I wanted to make sure I get the chance to see it all, and that no one deletes his or her comment(s). I want to know your feedback, I want to read your opinions, I want to get to know you. I also do not approve the comments because I want to keep it private. But thank you readers for the love and support you show me. I never thought some people would actually read my blog which only contains depressing, uninteresting and sulking thoughts spilled on amateurishly-written posts. I may not have been consistent with my blogging but I check my stats often and I see that people from familiar countries visit my page. Thank you.

Back to the real phenomenon purpose of this post..

You know those toxic friends that you have in your life, you know they are bad for you but you refuse to stay away from them until you basically find out that they are also purposely betraying you? Yeah I have a lot of those unnecessary people in my life. I would love to say "I had" instead because I already cut them out of my life but, "I have" seems more appropriate since until this day, they still enjoy and love invading my personal life. If you find out that the people you do not ever want to be involved with again randomly ask someone about you, would you not be surprised, irritated and annoyed? Sometimes what they are doing have that evil double purpose. They ask someone about your social life because they are trying to check if you are alone or if you still have friends. If they find out that you are alone, and that nobody likes you anymore, they will celebrate. Meanwhile, if they discover that you still have some friends intact with you, they will never be happy until those friendships you currently have and treasure are somehow ruined. How immature... the lowest of lows!

I was talking to my best friend last night, and she told me that she was talking to one of those toxic people in my life, when suddenly that venomous snake changed the topic and brought me up in their conversation. How dare her ask my best friend if my she (best friend) and I still hang out? Is it any of her freaking business? Why could not she ask me? I mean if she acts so nice and sweet in front of my face, you know, two-faced.. why not be consistent and act away! Little did this immature piece of shit know that I am seeing her tomorrow. Ladies and gents, sorry for my high volume of profanity. I am just trying to really release my anger. I told my friend that she should have told little miss toxic that she talks to me everyday and that she will see me on Friday (tomorrow).. but my friend said she likes surprises better. Yes, that is clever, I thought of that but sometimes, isn't it better if someone tells a toxic off? You know just to shut them up.

I have been through so much with these toxic group, I have forgiven them for numerous amount of time, but I guess the joke is on me, eh? I just cannot understand why people find my life so interesting. Why do they entertain themselves with my life, especially with my failures? Is it because I am an easy target because they know I will sit here and not confront them about it, no matter how obvious they seem sometimes? Well hello hello toxic idiots, I would rather not confront you about it because I see no point in doing so. You shitty poisonous people will always have this made up fake image of me and of who I am which is already imprinted in your teeny-tiny pieces of brains..

To all of you readers, keep this mouthful-not-so-classy post a lesson for your everyday life. Sometimes, a friend is just a normal friend to you but this friend can be the snake hidden in your garden when you are trying to pick daffodils and once this snake gets an opportunity, this snake will bite your finger leaving you poisoned, paralyzed and helpless. You know that saying.. "If your so-called friend is a big gossiper, then it's likely that your friend is gossiping about you when you're not around" yes.. you best believe this is true because it is. It is a bad sign if this so-called friend always has something negative to say about people who are not around. If that person is always gossiping, chances are, this friend always talks about you when your back is turned. Trust me.

In my situation, I will choose to keep quiet about what I know because I was hoping, well, I still am hoping that one day, after my ignorance.. they will eventually stop........................ but I guess I will just have to wait for a really long time since my life is just so damn amusing to these air-head-fakes.

*Imagine Liv Tyler Smiling With those Lips*

I cannot think of a better title. It may sound a bit improper but who cares! I basically wanted to describe how cheerful I am today through my title. I guess picturing Liv Tyler's wide lips when she smiles describes how happy I am at the moment.

This post is going to be short, I hope because I just want to talk about something really positive today!

This morning our TFC Box (A Filipino Channel Box that contains hundreds of programs imported from the Philippines' most popular network, Abs-Cbn) stopped functioning. If you are not Filipino, you would not really get it. Anyway, the head office that is responsible for the TFC Box decided to change the format of all the program receivers. They also replaced all the HDR Boxes to a more compact one, a smaller size. Few weeks ago, we received our box and was told that they will discontinue the original box (the current box that we have) meaning it will no longer operate. We decided to wait until our box actually shuts down until we connect the new box. Just this morning, our box eventually stopped working which meant that I had to finally connect the new one to our television. No one was going to connect it because my parents do not know how, so I had no choice but to do it myself. In the manual, users are instructed to call for installment assistance. But I am the kind of person who loves to do it myself first before I ask for someone else's help. I did it without reading instructions or the manual, and it was a success. After installing the box, fixing the wiring and the connections, all I needed to do was to call the contact number they have provided to activate our box.  To have our box activated was the only time I asked for help. When I was put on hold, the screen loaded meaning I have successfully installed the box. I was surprised when my stepfather said he was very impressed with my skills (out of nowhere) and he pat me in the back. I am quite techy and handy when it comes to these things. I was overjoyed when I saw him smiling and when he added more compliments saying I did a great job. He said was impressed because he can't even do certain things by himself, especially without reading manuals. To some people this might not be a big deal but my skills were acknowledged and that rarely happens. It matters to me. It really is the smallest things, huh? All my life I just wanted to be appreciated. Appreciation was all I ever asked from people and I am glad to get once in a while.

Appreciation do not necessarily mean I want to hear compliments all the time, I just want to be appreciated through my actions. I love it when my work, my doings and my achievements receive acknowledgment. I expect some appreciation when I deserve it. Simple things like this really makes me smile. 

Drop Dead Troll

I have no idea why I did what I did... I have pulled a very silly and unpleasant prank on my mother. It was around five in the morning when I woke up from my long afternoon-night sleep.. Since I had a lengthy slumber, I could not continue sleeping, I knew I had to get up. I looked around and noticed that my laptop was not in my room which was why I knew that it was in my parent's room. I felt so comfortable on my parent's bed, it was obviously because of the size, compared to mine, it's bigger and the mattress was very firm. It was that cozy that I did not even realize almost two hours had passed. I then heard footsteps that I recognized, it was my mother's and for some reason, I thought of doing a prank. A prank that could have given her a heart attack. Any guesses? I just opened their room's door, and played dead on the floor. I am so stupid, I feel so guilty because she called my name, and her voice was so worried, but I still did not get up.. Seeing that I was still not up, she walked rapidly towards me and that's when I decided to end her fear and distress. I stood up and saw the relief on her face when she saw me get up and alive. She called me an idiot but she started laughing, and so did I.
Until now, I question myself why I did such a dumb thing to my mother. I mean I am not even suicidal and I was not looking for attention because I already get enough from them.. If I did it for fun, well, what fun, right? That was not fun at all. She did not deserve that. It puts me in such a bad mood, and pensive state of mind (in a bad way) because I am frazzled. I guess it is because she did not get furious or yell when she found out I was only joking, and that places me in the guilt box.

Crazy me. I am so naive and ashamed of what I did. What an idiotic thing for me to do. Shame on me.



Disclaimer: The image used above was on Tumblr. It looked suitable to what I had in mind which was why I decided to use it to compliment my post above. All images and content are copyrighted by their respective owners. If your image was used and you would like it removed/ credited, then please contact me. Thank you and I apologize for the inconvenience.

How am I.. really?

Ever had those days when you just do not know what to feel, what to think and what to do? I feel like Rapunzel, trapped and isolated. But unlike her, I am not trapped because I live in a high castle, I am trapped because I have so many thoughts running through my head. It bothers me. My negative thoughts weigh heavier than the positive ones. I am not free because my problems ambush me, it often leads to damage and the feeling of pain is not foreign to me. I feel so abused mentally because I am an emotional person, and to have all these bizarre, depressing and stressing thoughts, it is too much for me to handle. I hurt, every single day. I said I wanted to be positive, I am, but the bad energy at home has reached it's maximum. Whenever someone is stressed, it affects others like a domino. I feel so isolated because no one will ever get me. I feel so detached, and deserted from everything else because my baggage influences me to separate myself from people. Even my parents do not acknowledge the fact that I am depressed too. I am not sure if it is because I am younger and seem happy, or because they think I am carefree as fuck? But who am I to complain compared to everything they are going through? When will this end? I love my parents, and every time they go through something, mentally and emotionally, I go through it too. When they are hurt, I hurt too. I am very empathetic. It is a never ending battle. What did I say about having a break with all these problems? Dear heavenly father, I think I have had enough. I am trying to so hard to be positive, and just when I thought I am managing, it all comes crumbling down again.

To say I am fine is a load of bullshit.
To say I will be seems hopeless and pretentious.
To describe that everything right now is bad is an understatement.

So how am I really because at this point, I really have no idea anymore.

Good For Nothing

I know I made a post just twenty-four hours ago that I will maintain a positive stream on my blog.. but not today. Not when I see someone so important to me break down hysterically. It is very depressing because I feel useless. I am not making this about me but that person is so important to me and I am so concerned. I could not do anything but cry with that person. When is this going to end? Dear Lord, saving grace, whoever you are, please, give us a break from all the stress. This is too much and still it keeps piling up. We are so down and we are placed in a position where we could no longer handle it. We are doing all that we can, we are trying, we have gone beyond our means, we need a breather, please.


She needs some saving. I need it too. We both do.
In need of being rescued. All heroes please apply.

May: Fifth month, spring season, show me what you got!

I am not the type to sit around, go online on twitter, tumblr or facebook and post "Oh [whatever month it is], please be good to me!" I think that is a bit rubbish. You cannot expect good things to happen if you just lay around and not do anything, right? But if you happen to be reading this blog right now and you are one of those, I am not judging you. I just think... It's only my opinion. Carry on with what you want to do with your life!

I am trying to change my state of mind. I realized I have to live a little and not just exist. I have to shake off the negative energy and let myself free and do what I want to do. Be happy and reconnect with myself. I want to look forward to every day because I am lucky I have been given another day to live.

It's May, the fifth month of the year, almost halfway through the year. May is spring in Northern America, and spring means everything comes back to life, like nature. I decided that despite the cold, metaphorically and literally, I will head out and enjoy the sunshine.

I will embrace every excitement, and new experiences, so May, what do you have in store for me? :)








*This is the very first blog entry that I have included a smiley, and my very first entry with no negativity - another positive sign*

Am I becoming... Jenna Hamilton?

Minus the two hot lads?Okay that title seems to be misleading and quite pretentious. I will never be Jenna Hamilton. Jenna Hamilton is a master in this craft. I know she is fictional, but giving credits to the writer of the show Awkward just do not seem right.

I noticed I have been blogging daily. It is not normal for someone like me. But I realized I am blogging because I enjoy it. I think Jenna Hamilton from Awkward inspired me. I mean, I was already blogging before I even watched Awkward but lately, it feels different. I find myself more confident and inspired. I wonder when this phase will end. (Wow, way to go!) That last sentence just shows you how much confidence I lack in myself. But I know me, I don't keep up with blogging, however, I hope I remain consistent. Blogging has been an outlet for me. It is more convenient than buying a diary or journal at the bookstore that I will write my name on but will never use. I just prefer it this way. I believe it is more inspiring to write when an event or an emotion provokes you to do so. In my own experience, I have noticed that my feelings influence me to compose the messages I blog or write. So to be consistent, I have to have the patience, the will and determination, and I have to keep my relationship with myself intact. I know I still have a lot to earn, and my grammar sucks, I know. But this is my blog and I can do whatever I please. If I spot an error in my writing, I will edit it. If I don't, then I don't. After all, writing is a form of expression not for impression. 

That is all, thank you.

ps. I detected that I stopped using my blogging name SSJ at the end of my blog entries. I was unaware though I think that is a positive sign.

Spill, Feel and Objective

Okay, if you go on this blog often you would know how much I love my family, especially my mother. Also, if you know me personally, you get an idea of how much I'd go through just for her. If you know me personally and we have a close relationship, you would know that she is always there for me and how much I am itching to give her the life she should have had because of all the sacrifices she made for me. Today, okay not today since it is almost 1 in the morning, but I meant, yesterday, 29th of April, I finally spilled something to my mother. It felt like the right time. I don't know, I feel like a child whenever I am around her, maybe because I will always be her little girl. I just always have this urge to hug her.. so a few hours ago, when she was about to sleep, I was laying down beside her and I just tried to cuddle her. Not with her because she gets annoyed of me, she thinks I am quite old to be doing that.. and when she said "Stop!", it just happened, I just happened to tell her, straight from my mouth, "let me, I will miss all this when you're gone." I know she felt it when I said it because it took her a while to joke about what I said, and her response was "Oh so I'm going to die soon, huh?". But after that, there were no words in the room but I was still wrapped around her. That moment, she just let me enjoy every moment of it. Which was why I knew my heart breaking honesty struck her somehow. I let go soon enough because I was hurting. It hurts me, it feels like my chest is constantly being stabbed numerous times whenever I think about the end.. I just.. it.. I don't want to live a day without her. I can already imagine myself not functioning when it's time.

But right now, I just hope I get at least 30 more decades with her. More time with her. I hope time lets me graduate, work full-time and still have her there by my side supporting me. I hope time gives me more years with her just so that she can meet my future husband if I will ever get married, because I want her to be there.. I want her to witness it. I want her permission. I want her blessings. I hope the will time allow me to show my wonderful mother; the most beautiful, brave and caring person in the world, to my children. I want my mother to be there to guide me in raising my children and have her tell them stories about our family. I hope time provides me more future with my mother just so that I can make my dreams happen, and that is to show her that all my life, my only goal is to have her feel loved, appreciated and relaxed. Have her stay at home and just pamper her. I want to make her experience everything she missed out on because of me.

I hope time grants me everything, all the time that I need so that I can do everything I have planned for my mother all these years. Just give me more time, and I will do the rest.

Alive but barely living

This is crazy. Ever since I let myself down last year, I just gained weight, lost my social life outside my house and been sleeping more than usual. It's the same routine over and over again... (I tried to tell you my routine but something tells me not to so I deleted it) I am so tired.. I am alive but I am barely living the life I was lucky enough to be given.

Thank you to my parents though because whenever they are around, they unknowingly help me forget about my existent and non-existent problems.

Someone enliven me. Please.

Incomplete and broken

It's two in the morning and I have never felt so lonely in my life. What makes it worse is that I am alone and lonely.. Weeping, grieving, crying, over-thinking, breaking.. this happens on a daily basis. I always wonder why I was destined to live here.. come to think that life would be easier and better here, I still yearn for my life back home. It's difficult. It's been difficult. I have been struggling. I have been trying to accept that things change, nothing ever stays the same but I just don't want to... Deep inside my heart I know something is missing, something really important, something huge and this leaves an enormous hole in my heart. Having to think about the incredible past, the isolated present and the unclear future leaves me broken. I have been patiently waiting for the wonderful and positive things, but I have been waiting for years and years... Right now I can't see the good. I can't imagine something great without having to look at the bad, of course because I'm pessimistic, what did I except right? I am so blinded by the pain. The insufficient has left me destroyed and damaged.. and I'm afraid that the scars will stay.. forever.

I just want to be happy.
I just want my life back.

Just my two cents on irrelevant people in our lives

When people assume the worst in you, when they think they know more about you than they really do...

Cut them out of your life. They will only do you damage. There are times when people like to eat someone else's biscuits instead of their own. They like to break you with their words. They bully people, they gossip about people, they will do anything to step on you to hurt you.

Do not let their words define you and with you, take this little quote from Emily Fields played by Shay Mitchell on Pretty Little Liars:

It happens that on rare occasions certain individuals like to be superior than others. No one ever minds their own because it is easier to pick out the flaws of others. You just have to remind yourself to just keep on doing you, never adjust or change who you really are and what you are meant to be just to change someone's point of view about you. Let's face it, it will be hard and it might not even happen. Others will only choose what they want to believe. It is difficult to change the perceptions of narrow minded people since they refuse to avoid and let go of their fixated beliefs. It's like squeezing and forcing your foot to fit in a shoe that will never fit you.

It's human nature to sometimes believe everything you hear about someone but it takes the guts to put these assumptions aside to get to know the person. It's called being the better person. You never know, you might be pointing your finger at the wrong person. Who knows, you might even need their help later on.

✌ SSJ

To stay or not to stay

Hello awesome readers,

As you all know (or not).. I am a really depressed person, I have been this way for almost two years and it's crazy how I haven't gotten out of the depression haul phase.. It started when I went off to University, things started to change really fast and way out of my control. Right to this day, I still do not know why everything just fell apart like a domino since November 2011. The choices I made, the disappointments, I feel like I have let myself down big time. I am seeing all my friends move on with their lives, most of them look really happy with what they are doing. Some are working students, some are working students + socialites, while some are just there.. and I am sitting here behind this laptop thinking.. oh God, how about me? I am just here waiting for the next day to wake up and sleep, when will I ever find out what I want to do for the rest of my life?

I have recently talked to my friends here in North America, we caught up and I found out that they are going to the Philippines to study and there's a great possibility that some of them will stay there to work. Before I found out about their plans, I have been thinking about it myself too. Ever since last year, my mom had already given me the signal that I can go home and study there.. Gaaaaah, I would love to! But I really cannot leave my mother here. Besides, I am not even sure if I will be happy after I make this decision. I do not even know if what I am thinking is the right thing to do. This is the biggest decision I will ever make and I do not think I can ever afford to make one more big mistake in my life. I have lost myself along the way, and my wants have slipped away from me and I just want to get back on the right track. The problem is, I do not know how. I have no clue where to start. I need me, but where can I find me?

Should I stay or should I go?
Should I go back to where my heart belongs?
What am I missing out on?


I honestly hope I figure it out soon.
I am so tired and I just want to do something with my life.
Hoping for the best. 

ExcessandOhs,
SSJ

I deserve a goddamn vacation!

I honestly do not want to sound so ungrateful that is why I had second thoughts about making this post but it's killing me. It's killing me that it has been two years too long since the last time I went somewhere really far... Orlando,  Florida.

I mean, I appreciate nature's beauty but I am so tired of seeing the same shit, winter, it's so dull outside. I know spring is right around the corner but no, I want to go somewhere. I miss having to journey to places. Really, the destination does not matter, I miss sitting my ass in the car for hours to get to Florida. Yes, Toronto to fucking Florida. It takes us about two days, no duh, we rest. We don't drive straight all the way to Florida, we have our stop overs, check in at hotels, check out, eat, drive. Driving straight to Florida sounds humanly possible but if you're smart enough, you would figure cars, vans any type of transportation have limits, it's like a human being, it needs a rest, otherwise, it would overheat. So if you didn't think about that, you are stupid and ignorant. What is so wrong about road trips? It's honestly the best shit ever.

But yeah this is one of those posts that make no sense to others but makes so much sense for you. It relieves you. It helps. All I'm saying is I'm so stressed and depressed that I really need a break from everything, stop doing my habits for a week or more and go somewhere, anywhere, doesn't matter if I get there through a road trip or by a plane... I just really want to go somewhere. So sick of Toronto. I never thought I would be so sick of such city. I mean it has offered me so many opportunities, but I just really need a break. It's just one of those days where you want to be somewhere else because your mind and heart are wandering and hoping you were somewhere else. I want to smell fresh air, fresh fucking air like the kind of air they have in Florida. I just want to relax and have my mind at peace for once.

And I know in the next few days or so, I will read this again and I regret some of the things I said here because I know I am not sick of Toronto, I am just sick of my habits.

ExcessandOhs,
SSJ

No weddings bells

No wedding bells...... yet. I am turning 20 years old this October, and I only had one committed relationship so far and that lasted for two years and it was 97 percent long distance and the remaining 3 percent were our chances to see each other and be with each other physically and not via windows live messenger or phone. You are probably thinking, did she just say Windows Live Messenger? Oh yes I did. I have been single for three years. The thought of marriage sometimes scares me but yes I want to get married! I want to marry in my mid-20s. Some people might think that is too early but for me it's more of a personal choice. The only reason is if I ever have children, I will want to be there for as long as I can to be their mother, to be a part of their lives. Most of the married couples (married in their mid 20s) I know have known each other since High School or in college. Some were introduced to each other through a friend, or a family relative, while some were their co-worker (which sometimes do not work out in the end, *laughs). Well, damn, I wonder if someone will ever fall in love with me. I wonder if someone I am compatible with will fall in love with me. It seems as if the one I'm most compatible to is either attracted to someone else or that I will always be in their friend zone.
I always question my fate if I will ever get married.. I love watching wedding videos uploaded here on cyberspace. It makes my heart melt to see couples who are so lucky that they have found each other. But it makes my heart melt even more to see brides marrying such amazing grooms. We all know how hard it is to find a man who is going to be really there for you through thick and thin. Someone who will still cater to you, someone who is still turned on looking at you even though you have gained baby weight (or food), someone who will take you by surprise and will always want to see you happy and make sure his love for you is shown for the rest of your life. Someone who cannot take his eyes off you, because to him you are beautiful, and that you are amazing. Someone whose eyes will twinkle as he looks at you because he is happy he is with you forever. Someone who you have been married to for more than ten years and will still be in love with you. Someone who knows he is lucky to have you in his life. Someone who will remain faithful and loyal to you because you are his wife and he chose to be with you, and only you for the rest of his life. A man who is indeed a rare breed.