Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Spill, Feel and Objective

Okay, if you go on this blog often you would know how much I love my family, especially my mother. Also, if you know me personally, you get an idea of how much I'd go through just for her. If you know me personally and we have a close relationship, you would know that she is always there for me and how much I am itching to give her the life she should have had because of all the sacrifices she made for me. Today, okay not today since it is almost 1 in the morning, but I meant, yesterday, 29th of April, I finally spilled something to my mother. It felt like the right time. I don't know, I feel like a child whenever I am around her, maybe because I will always be her little girl. I just always have this urge to hug her.. so a few hours ago, when she was about to sleep, I was laying down beside her and I just tried to cuddle her. Not with her because she gets annoyed of me, she thinks I am quite old to be doing that.. and when she said "Stop!", it just happened, I just happened to tell her, straight from my mouth, "let me, I will miss all this when you're gone." I know she felt it when I said it because it took her a while to joke about what I said, and her response was "Oh so I'm going to die soon, huh?". But after that, there were no words in the room but I was still wrapped around her. That moment, she just let me enjoy every moment of it. Which was why I knew my heart breaking honesty struck her somehow. I let go soon enough because I was hurting. It hurts me, it feels like my chest is constantly being stabbed numerous times whenever I think about the end.. I just.. it.. I don't want to live a day without her. I can already imagine myself not functioning when it's time.

But right now, I just hope I get at least 30 more decades with her. More time with her. I hope time lets me graduate, work full-time and still have her there by my side supporting me. I hope time gives me more years with her just so that she can meet my future husband if I will ever get married, because I want her to be there.. I want her to witness it. I want her permission. I want her blessings. I hope the will time allow me to show my wonderful mother; the most beautiful, brave and caring person in the world, to my children. I want my mother to be there to guide me in raising my children and have her tell them stories about our family. I hope time provides me more future with my mother just so that I can make my dreams happen, and that is to show her that all my life, my only goal is to have her feel loved, appreciated and relaxed. Have her stay at home and just pamper her. I want to make her experience everything she missed out on because of me.

I hope time grants me everything, all the time that I need so that I can do everything I have planned for my mother all these years. Just give me more time, and I will do the rest.

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