Wednesday, February 13, 2013

My support system is also the one who crashes my hopes in an instant

How is it that sometimes I feel like you don't want to support me in something I want to do. As if I have to do something you want me to do for your approval and for you to be proud of me.. You're my support system but how come when I really need you to support me on something, it's like you get disappointed or you disapprove of it. You're my mom, I want you to encourage me, support me in everything I do and want to do, but it feels like I'm a failure in your point of view. I'm so proud to have you as my mother, but sometimes I hurt whenever I feel like you're disgusted by me and sometimes even though I know how much you love me, how much you've done for me to keep me safe, alive and loved, I really feel like you are jealous of other parents that they have brighter children, more successful daughters or sons than me.

I just want to break down because you're my support system, my inspiration, my hero.. but the pressure is always on, and sometimes, it all feels suffocating.

I still love you mother, I always recognize what you did for me in the past, in the present and for all the things you will still do for me and will still go through for me in the future. But keep calm, let me be and just be happy that I'm not a drug addict, a prostitute or pregnant. I can't wait for the words "I'm proud of you, anak (child)" to come out of your mouth. Maybe someday, I hope so.

Love always,

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