Thursday, August 8, 2013

Emotional State

High spirits, low spirits, happiness, sadness, irritated, collected.... I have no fucking control over my feelings. Sometimes, I feel like I'm the queen of mood swings. I have no clue what happened, I had no idea that what and who I used to be was slipping away from me.. I just became so lazy and that I am just so annoyed and irked.. What makes it worse is that I do not have the means to live a little.. to go out and do what I want.. I want to go shopping and buy all the necessary things that I need... and some of the things that I don't. Can I land an employment already? I am so fed up of being broke. I want to chop my hair off.. I want to beat myself up literally right now... It is so damn hot.. I am so annoyed of this place we call "home",  it does not even feel like one. I miss everything I used to have, I miss everyone in the Philippines.. I miss everything in the past before I came here.... I would trade what I have now to what I used to have... no, actually scratch that.. because I still have the important people in my past right now.. I just basically do not have the "life" anymore.. How can this place make me feel such a prisoner.. the only thing that is keeping me guarded is my mother.. She is the only reason why I am still here.

I feel so useless, unworthy, my life is so unproductive, I feel like I am going nowhere.. I feel nonfunctional. Hopeless, good-for-nothing, valueless...


Just when I thought everything was getting better.. I come to this day to find out that, those were just temporary.. School starts in less than a month and I hope to God things get better because I would not know what to do. Please please, let me have my way this time................ I am so tired of this shit.

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